Anniversary of an Infarction

Blog Song for the Moment

"Condition of the Heart," Prince, Around the World in a Day, 1985

January 16th, 2006, Martin Luther King Day.  One of the worst years of my life had just ended--a year of a series of family and financial crises, capped by the termination of my visiting appointment at Wabash College.  Wabash did the right thing, I knew even then.  While I learned a great deal about teaching (and being a full-time academic) from my fellow faculty and many fine students, I'd become increasingly unhappy working with the cultists of all-male education, and their unspoken rule: If you can't praise the Wabash mission to the high hills, then keep your trap shut.  Still, I felt burned.  The college had used my work with students to raise money from alums, and I had done a lot of other service.  It was my bad though, not Wabash's, that I'd done so much service instead of doing what I should have done--research, writing, and finding another job.  Fortunately, a good friend from grad school days plucked me up and eased me into a visiting position at Albion College.

So on that day I was house-sitting for an Albion professor on sabbatical, in a place just a few blocks from the Albion campus.  Around two or three am, I woke up from a terrible dream.  My bedroom was upstairs, and I was there in the dream, but the room was now huge.  I lay on my bed in the middle of it, and I could see a dark doorway between my feet.  I heard a steady rhythm of booms downstairs, as if someone were pounding away on a timpani in the basement.  Then I noticed my chest was opened, as if it were a cardboard box, and when I looked over the one flap underneath my chin, I saw two arms trying to line my empty chest cavity with a white kitchen garbage bag.  They were making a hash of it, and I was irritated, and that drum downstairs kept banging away, and I hissed "Here, let me do it," and I grabbed the bag.  Then I woke up.

It seems so obvious now that some sort of myocardial event had just occurred, but I don't know if I had just experienced an infarction, or if it was yet to come (I love that word, infarction; the OED defines it as the "action of stuffing up or condition of being stuffed up," but for me it's a rude-sounding word that would likely make my grandkids giggle, a healthy giggle over a life-changing, or life-ending, event). I wandered around the house for a few hours, discombobulated.  I couldn't focus on anything, couldn't shake the dream from my head, nor the vague sense of dread--as if I were playing the Sesame Street game of "One of these things/is not like the other," and my life depended on it, yet unable to find the damn thing that didn't belong.

I ended up sitting on the back porch in the hushed, early morning dark, with a cup of coffee and a cigarette (I know, I know).  Finally, I decided to go to my office.  Work might erase the dream and the dread.  I remember bitter cold on that walk, though according to the Farmer's Almanac, even with wind chill, the temperature would have been the high teens or low twenties, which hardly qualifies as bitter to me.  About halfway there I suddenly felt as if I were walking in icy quicksand.  I felt no pain, no shortness of breath.  I just couldn't get my body to move.  I thought about sitting down on the curb, just rest a bit, but by then I must have been suspecting something was really wrong, I was beginning to get an idea of which thing that was not like the other.  I talked my body into moving again, and slowly crossed the short distance to my building, made it to my office, got online, and checked a website that gave a list of symptoms for heart attacks.

I knew I was at risk.  My two grandfathers had died in their 40s of heart disease.  Both my parents had high blood pressure, and so did I.  I smoked, and recently experienced a great deal of stress.  But I dithered.  I didn't want all the fuss of going to the hospital--I didn't want to appear a hypochondriac.  It may have been around eight am when I called a friend, and described what had happened.  He said get myself to an emergency room, call 911.  But this friend, god love him, tends to be an alarmist at times, and his anxiousness on my behalf only seemed to make me sink further into lassitude.  I didn't want the drama; I'd had enough of it already.

But after mulling it over a while longer, I thought, "Crap, let's just get this out of the way." I shuffled back to my house, got in the jeep, and drove to the emergency room in nearby Jackson.  Here my memory gets even more sketchy.  After describing my moment of quicksand to a nurse, there was a flurry of questions, blood drawn, an EKG, and then suddenly I was on a gurney getting shoved into an ambulance.  I woke up the next morning not knowing why I was in the hospital, or how I had gotten there.  Apparently the anesthesia they gave me had amnestic side effects, and I must have been on some sort of narcotic because when a doctor came in and told me that he had cleaned out the 99% blockage and placed a stent in my left descending artery--the widowmaker--I thought, "Well, how very interesting."  A bit later, or maybe it was before, a nurse checked the dressing over the plug in my groin, sealing the entrance point for the catheter.  If it opened, I might bleed to death in a couple of minutes.  As she checked me she asked me to warn her if I was going to cough or sneeze, and told me not to laugh, which, of course, I started to do.  I cannot remember what started me off, perhaps the bit of repartee we fell into while discussing my condition?  Or was it the absurdity of this rather attractive woman with her hands near my privates in a most unerotic tableaux?  Or it was the drugs still at work?  Whichever, her stern order to stop laughing worked.

Curiously, I did not know until my discharge that I had suffered a myocardial infarction, and it wasn't until a follow-up appointment with the cardiologist that I found out that the heart attack had left no permanent damage.  So I was fortunate (or blessed, depending on your views of providence) on a number of counts--1) walking into frigid air makes the heart work ever so much harder, and I made it to and from my office, and to the hospital, after two myocardial episodes; 2) that I even survived the heart attack(s?); and 3) no permanent damage.  We can add another.  According to my most recent stress test, my heart is in excellent condition.

I still often think of that dream, especially around MLK day.  I've done a little poking around in healthcare and medical journals, but can't seem to locate any studies the association between heart attacks and dream states and dread.  I don't think the dream caused the heart attack, of course, or that it predicted one, though it may have been my body, working through my subconscious, trying to tell me "Hey, Andy, we've got a problem."

An initial foray via Google brought me this tidbit from an Australian online health magazine:

Thomas Luscher told the annual meeting of the European Society of Cardiology in Vienna that, although heart attacks occurred throughout the day, their incidence increased after midnight, and peaked between 3am and 5am.
"What's interesting is that this is when dreams become more frequent and vivid," said Dr Luscher, a cardiologist at the Zurich University Hospital.
"Maybe there's a link which should be investigated."

'Well, how very interesting,' but if important, why only one guy in Austria raising this issue and whose words get picked up by some Ezine for senior citizens in Australia?  

A longer search with academic search engines did not give me much more.  There's lots of stuff on connections between mental and emotional states and heart conditions--there's a US News and World Report article that sums this research up nicely, saying, for example, "It's long been known that acute emotional states--like rage, fear, or panic--can trigger cardiac events that literally 'scare you to death.'"  But this is still treating the mind and emotions as causal factors of a physical trauma.  I'm more interested in what the mind and heart are doing in response to such a trauma.

I'm sure there must be more work out there that my inexpert searches did not locate. If any of the two or three of you that happen to read this blog know of some leads, I'd welcome them.

And a belated happy Martin Luther King Day to you all.  My drama isn't comparable to the national trauma he lived, faced, and which killed him.

Peter Gabriel: Still Holding the Line

I first listened to Peter Gabriel my senior year in high school, thanks to my neighbor and fellow West Albanian, Pat Hawke, who was always giving me the heads up on new music.  He lent me Peter Gabriel, and I gave it a listen, but except for "Solsbury Hill" and "Here Comes the Flood," the album didn't really grab me. Gabriel's music wasn't very accessible to ears used to Supertramp, Kansas, and Fleetwood Mac. So I kind of forgot about Gabriel.  I ended up missing a lot of music coming out in the late seventies and throughout the eighties, partly because of my Christian fundy stage (1978-1981), and partly because I was off in Guatemala for Peace Corps (1984-88).  In between, I think I wasn't listening to much besides Bruce Cockburn. Anyway, it must have been 1989, we were living in the Lower East side then, and Margo and I went to see Say Anything, and there's that great scene with Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) holding up a boom box blaring Gabriel's "In Your Eyes," trying woo back Diane Court (Ione Skye). That song did immediately grab me, and I remember later asking some friends if they knew who did that song.  They looked at me like I was an idiot and said it was Peter Gabriel.

So that got me into a Peter Gabriel kick, and though I haven't become an aficionado, I've gotten a lot of intellectual and aesthetic pleasure from his music over the past twenty years.  Recently, Gabriel released New Blood, a collection of covers of his 80s hits reinterpreted with classic orchestration.  I think the results are pretty uneven.  The orchestral intro to "In Your Eyes" sounded to me like a soundtrack to some bad Merchant Ivory knockoff, and the orchestration on "Red Rain," "Mercy Street," and "Solsbury Hill" seems just too delicate to fully deliver those powerful songs.

But I liked what Gabriel did with "San Jacinto," which is somewhere in my top 100 songs of all time.  According to an interview Gabriel did for the New Blood production,  the lyrics recall a conversation he had with an Apache man about the rite-of-passage he underwent to become a warrior.  This rite is juxtaposed with a commentary on the commodification and consumption of the Native North American culture that Gabriel witnessed in San Jacinto (in California, near Palm Springs).  Reminds me of my one visit to Kaneeta way back in 1979, which now lures people with this catchy slogan: "Escape to where the fun shines!"

Peter Gabriel, San Jacinto, IV (1982)

Listen to the original version and you will hear the four stanzas unfold in distinct ways, though a repeated melody of synthesized chimes connects the first three (lyrics below).  Gabriel starts off soft, his usually gravely voice smoothed.  Then there is the transition with female vocals saying something that I've never been able to figure out, but, anyway, the song continues to build, adding instrumentation and volume, until Gabriel shouts, as if from a mountaintop, "I hold the line!"  Heavy bass and dark horns make it all sound so dire, and he falters for a bit--"think I'm losing it"--before sweeping on to his declaration.  But holding the line is not about resistance, it's about survival.  And the last stanza is sung in a tone that suggests weariness more than confidence.

And I suppose that is what initially drew me to the song.  I didn't (and don't, or can't, really) identify with Gabriel's narrative posture as a Native North American, but musically the song seemed so close to how I've felt at times, of near losing it, of persevering without a great deal of confidence.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
San Jacinto lyrics
Thick cloud - steam rising - hissing stone on sweat lodge fire
Around me - buffalo robe - sage in bundle - rub on skin
Outside - cold air - stand, wait for rising sun
Red paint - eagle feathers - coyote calling - it has begun
Something moving in - I taste it in my mouth and in my heart
It feels like dying - slow - letting go of life

Medicine man lead me up through town - Indian ground - so far down
Cut up land - each house - a pool - kids wearing water wings - drink in cool
Follow dry river bed - watch Scout and Guides make pow-wow signs
Past Geronimo's disco - Sit 'n' Bull steakhouse - white men dream
A rattle in the old man's sack - look at mountain top - keep climbing up
Way above us the desert snow - white wind blow

I hold the line - the line of strength that pulls me through the fear
San Jacinto - I hold the line
San Jacinto - the poison bite and darkness take my sight - I hold the line
And the tears roll down my swollen cheek - think I'm losing it - getting weaker
I hold the line - I hold the line
San Jacinto - yellow eagle flies down from the sun - from the sun

We will walk - on the land
We will breathe - of the air
We will drink - from the stream
We will live - hold the line
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The new version keeps the compositional design of the original, but the orchestral instruments make the tone lighter, replacing somberness with a meditative spirit.  Gabriel has thirty more years on him, and perhaps he's too old, too wise, to wallow in direness.  The musical transition from the third to the fourth stanza is almost upbeat, but it soon returns to melancholy. In the last passage, as the flutes die out and the strings move into a minor key, we hear in the background labored breaths, and it feels to me as if now the issue is not just weariness, but loneliness.

However one interprets these musical texts, they are both beautifully rendered, and if you're a Peter Gabriel fan, New Blood deserves a listen, though it may not get your admiration.

Peter Gabriel, San Jacinto, New Blood (2011)